I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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