I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
