The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Randomize
