He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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