Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
you have to choose: penises or morals?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
