I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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