Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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