how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
