About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
