Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
