its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Randomize