I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
