Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
