I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
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