Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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