this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Randomize