I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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