Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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