Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
