I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Did I show you my penis last night?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
