Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
