I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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