I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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