i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
