M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
