if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize