went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
