I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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