New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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