can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
