you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
