I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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