How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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