Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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