Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Did I show you my penis last night?
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
