I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
