my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
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