is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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