If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
