we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize