you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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