Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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