even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
