you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
