i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
