She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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