Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
