Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
