I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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