just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I supernannyed him into submission
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
