It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize