By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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