I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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