Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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