i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
