Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Randomize
