I can text with my tongue
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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