I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
